JV'S KILLER POKER:
DEPENDS

BY: John Vorhaus

Though this will look like a colossal self-indulgence, I present you now with a poem I have written on the subject of giving and getting advice about poker. I present it not for reasons of colossal self-indulgence (okay, that too) but to underscore a cautionary observation: Good advice costs nothing and it's worth the price.

The trouble with giving specific advice on specific poker situations is that you can never know enough, really, about the situation, to know if your advice is sound. You can be authoritative, well-reasoned... and wrong. The trouble with asking for such advice is that it puts responsibility for your decision-making on someone else's shoulders. You were there. You made the choice. Now analyze it, inspect it, evaluate it, then live with it; learn, and move on.

In poker, as in life, it's easy to second-guess yourself. In poker, as in life, it's easy to abdicate responsibility for the choices you make. Maybe someone else would have played your hand differently. Maybe the "experts" agree that you blundered. Who cares? Do you think you blundered? If yes, modify your play; if no, stick to your guns.

Here, then, I present my blanket response to those who would seek to know, for 100% sure, whether they made the right move at the right time or not. The answer is...

IT DEPENDS
by John Vorhaus

Poker is a challenge built on tendencies and trends and many tough decisions upon which a session bends, so when I'm asked for my advice by strangers or by friends, I look them squarely in the eye and answer, "It depends."

Depends on who's been running hot,
who's on tilt and who is not,
how much money's in the pot,
and other things that I forgot.

Should you raise in late position?
Will that raise the blinds' suspicion?
I can take no firm position.
I am not a card magician
blessed with psychic precognition,
so I have no ammunition
for your poker combat mission.
I am just a politician
who, waffling, contends,
"It's poker, folks; it just depends."

Depends on who's been talking trash,
Who has lots and lots of cash,
Who's been drinking sour mash
(or maybe even smoking hash).

You want to know if you should bet a straight that half extends,
or push a pair of kings when on the flop an ace descends.
But if you ask me what a man of my keen judgment recommends,
I'll look you squarely in the eye and answer, "It depends."

Depends on who's a clever git,
or with the deck's been getting hit,
or who'll play any piece of –
(Don't use that word; it offends. Let's just say it all depends.)

A check-raise on the turn, you want to know what that portends.
Is the raiser's raise legit or could it be he just pretends?
You wait for my reply, and how your disbelief suspends.
I'll look you squarely in the eye and answer, "It depends"

So if you want some confirmation
that your recent devastation was just normal fluctuation,
(not some self-induced damnation)
I can feel your consternation,
but I fight against temptation
to provide you with salvation.
Though I want your admiration
I will risk disapprobation,
for I can't give affirmation
to your certain situation
without better information,
followed by some cogitation
and some subtle calculation
not to mention computation
to the point of constipation.

And now with no more hesitation
I'll complete your education
and leave you with this explanation:
Though the argument distends
and distends and distends and distends,
in the end, it all depends.

Thus reality transcends:
In the end it all depends.

(John Vorhaus is author of the KILLER POKER series and News Ambassador for UltimateBet.com.)