JV'S KILLER POKER:
WOODENTOPS

BY: John Vorhaus

A woodentop is someone we describe (yes, somewhat uncharitably) as "oak from the neck up." If you spend any time playing low- to mid-limit cardroom poker, you're bound to meet your share. The play of woodentops can be infuriating and frustrating because of its sheer ineptitude and general obliviousness. The same qualities, of course, makes the play of woodentops incredibly profitable for you.

Here's your recipe for the care and feeding of the wild or domestic woodentop: 1. find them; 2. nurture them; 3. exploit them.

Finding woodentops is easy. Just drop in on any low limit hold 'em or Omaha game and look for signs of clueless behavior. Players who will defend any blind are often woodentops. Those who routinely chase inside straights or runner-runner flush draws obviously are. Mid-pair optimists (fenderheads who call with middle pairs in hopes of hitting their trips) definitely qualify for woodentop status.

Aw heck, I don't have to help you recognize the woodentops - you play against them every day.

Nurturing them, though, that's another matter altogether, and here's where many otherwise skilled players fail to make the most of a woodentop-rich environment. Naturally you want to encourage bad play, and it's frightfully important that you don't frighten the woodentops off. But even if you know better than to annoy or alienate weak players, other weak players don't necessarily recognize the importance of this.

Thus you'll frequently find yourself in a situation where you have two juicy woodentops at the same table. One is a clueless woodentop, happily calling along with slim odds, and occasionally sucking out. The other, though, is an angry woodentop, aggressively pushing inferior cards, and then getting bent out of shape when the aforementioned clueless woodentop makes the aforementioned suck-out.

What happens next is fairly predictable: The angry woodentop castigates the clueless one for his clueless play. The clueless one starts to feel victimized, self-conscious and bad. He thinks about leaving the game. In this circumstance, you must step in! You must neutralize the angry one's attacks before the unthinkable happens and the clueless one takes off, taking all that vulnerable, clueless money with him. You must create harmony and fellow-feeling at the table. Keep the woodentops happy. That's your job.

Why yours? Because you may be the only one who can do it.

You may be the only player at the table with enough egolessness and self-awareness to guide your actions by what's good for the game (by which, of course, we mean what's good for your profit). The angry woodentop is defending his ego by belittling the clueless woodentop, who's just chasing the buzz he came to chase by playing every hand. Remember, woodentops are oak from the neck up. They can't think straight by nature. You do their thinking for them.

Woodentops are not interested in playing skillful poker. They're just interested in feeling good. Do everything in your power to help them achieve this goal. Defuse the anger of the angry ones; encourage the vapidity of the vapid ones; buy drinks for the drunk ones. Manage the woodentops, nurture them, because their egregious mistakes put money in your pocket.

At the same time, you need to exploit their weaknesses in a direct and forthright manner. If you know, for instance, that a woodentop on your right has no calling requirements whatsoever, you really have no excuse not to raise with every better-than-average hand you have. When you have the best of it, make the most of it. And don't fret if you get caught bluffing once or twice; this will only keep the woodentops coming back for more.

You may worry that your own aggressiveness will alienate the woodentops and make them go away. Yes, this is a danger - so you need to lubricate your raises with joviality and good spirit. Let the woodentops think that you're every bit as out-of-control and devil-may-care as they are. Teach them that your raises are meaningless and not to be feared. This will reinforce their happy tendency to call far too much with far too little.

Okay, then, here's how the whole package fits together: You're sitting in a game full of woodentops. On your left is an angry one and on your right a clueless one. The clueless one sticks around with rags and steals a pot from the angry one. The angry one, naturally, directs invective against the clueless one. Here's where you jump in. Talk loudly about how everyone has their own philosophy of poker, and everyone has a right to play according to their own clever strategy. Underscore this point by drawing attention to your own random, chaotic play. Then drive home the point by raising once with absolute trash and making sure that the angry player gets to see your cards. Now he will identify you as clueless too. This will deflect his attention and his ire away from the vulnerable clueless woodentop and onto you, a player with sufficient awareness and ego structure to withstand the onslaught of the angry player's bad attitude. You've made everybody happy by giving the angry player a target to attack and by giving the clueless player an ally at the table. Everybody loves you and the party (or, as the case may be, the rout) is on.

One other crucial observation about woodentops: Don't be one. It's doubtful that you are, by nature, or you wouldn't be reading these words, but there are times when the play of woodentops can infect or contaminate your own. If you see them playing without a clue, you become tempted to play without a clue too. Don't do it! Remember, you're playing against the woodentops, and among them, but not with them or like them. If you keep this crucial distinction in mind, you can use the woodentops' incredible woodentopery to top off your bankroll every time.

(John Vorhaus is author of the KILLER POKER series and News Ambassador for UltimateBet.com.)