Discouraged

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

When I was younger I read or heard a story that always stuck in my mind. It was no doubt told at some bullshit 'motivation' training course I'll have had the pleasure of attending for the free lunch. I tried to google the story and found a long winded version of it but I'll try to recite it as best I can in a shorter version:

A man had a bitter fall out with his friend and decided he wanted revenge. He trawled the seedy underground market stalls for a weapon or inspiration and stumbled upon a stall that was manned by Lucifer himself. The stall was simple with a small money box and a shelf of potions, each of which was labelled. The man outlined his situation and the Devil explained that any one of his potions would be ideal weapons for revenge. He elaborated that one drop of 'Hate' and the victim would become bitter and hateful of the world and people around him. A drop of "Lust" or "Gluttony" and the victim would loose all self-control around matters of food and sex. The man then noticed one potion that was grubby and covered in spiders webs. It looked like it had hardly ever been used and he couldn't make out the label, but he did note that it was considerably more expensive than all of the Devil's other evil potions. The man asked about the expensive potion and why it was so. The Devil explained that it was his most powerful creation and that the price reflects the devastation it can cause. He went on to explain that just one drop of it can completely ruin a person. The Devil dusted off the label and it read, "Discouragement"

Never have I felt that story ring so true to my life than right now. I feel so discouraged that I want to curl up into a ball and die. This morning I got early to start a NL$200 session and I first read my emails which included comments from this blog and an email from a 2+2 member who has been trying to help me piece together where I'm going wrong. I nearly wanted to cry after reading them both and realising that it wasn't just me that had no faith in my ability to beat SSNL but other people had now resigned themselves to expecting failure of me. Now I must clarify that I DO NOT for a minute believe either author intended to discourage me and I thank them for their frank and honest comments – I wouldn't want it any other way. Please keep up the comments and please keep emailing mik. However, it was the last straw that broke the camels back and I realised/believed that there is no way in hell that I can make it as a poker player, especially with the time and financial constraints I now face.

I felt physically sick and fearful of what the future holds for me. I certainly didn't feel like playing so I loaded up two videos by IgotTrickz that were posted on the 2+2 forum and watched them back to back. In each case he was 4-tabling NL$200 for about an hour per video. What struck me is that I sat there saying to myself, "fold that, bet that, re-raise that, check-call that, fire $28-30" and each time the video author did what I thought he'd do. There was one hand were he bet pot for value where I'd have bet half and he was correct to do so. However, there was several times where I felt he didn't squeeze out an extra 1bb on the flop with a strong made hand that would have allowed him to squeeze out 2-4 more on the turn; so it all works out in the end. There was very little fancy play as well – just straight up semi-loose aggressive/aggressive poker and a game that was totally familiar and second nature to me.

I think in a panic reaction to what has been happening to me I have turned my game upside down and tried to find numerous situations to constantly play tricky and out-think my opponents post-flop. The bottom line is that if Taylor, IgotTrickz, Muddywater, etc can make money playing NL$200 in the style they demonstrate in their videos then so can I just by playing my standard natural game.

I don't doubt that what has been harming me so far is variance, tilt and self-doubt leading to FPS (fancy play syndrome). Variance I can't do much about, tilt I absolutely have to get a hold of and doubt I'm just going to shove right out the window. I believe I can win and I'm not going to curl up like a little faggot but instead will go out and play as much of the best poker I can muster.

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