Blogs First Birthday

Friday, June 22, 2007

Well, it's been a year of blogging and the time has passed pretty quickly. Overall I'm happy with my blog and despite a mid-year lull where I didn't post much I feel it has been a useful tool for me to track my progress and continuously redefine my goals. I've dipped into my archives from time to time to see where I was 'X' months ago and also to read how I played some of my hands back then - a process that has been enlightening.

At the start of my blog I had a $1380 bankroll and had set a goal of achieving and maintaining a win rate of $57 per hour. I have not yet achieved that goal; if I select all levels since July 2006 my hourly win rate is nothing like $57 per hour. However, much of that is because I spent a lot of the time at NL$100 or less and I have also changed my game a fair bit over that time. It is encouraging to see that my bankroll has grown to $8570. That might not seem like a lot but in terms of real hours I've not played a great deal in the last year as I've been busy with other stuff. I'd say that playing full-time at 25 hours a week you could compress all of my last year into about 5-6 weeks. That's $6900 for a 5-6 week full-time stint - I'd take that!

I feel like the last year has been worthwhile. I've made some real breakthroughs in my game and I have moved my bankroll away from 'hovering above zero' to a point where I have a useful sum of money to invest in poker. I'd say the most fundamental change happened only recently when I went on a 16 buy in downswing and identified that I wasn't a terribly good player. The majority of the 'game' I was playing last year had been developed in the 2 years prior and I was just walking out the same performance each time I sat down, thinking that I was playing near optimally and that it was bad beats that were holding me back. I wasn't playing optimally. I'm still not playing optimally. In fact, I'm not even close!! This however, is a significant break-through as I no longer sit at the top of the tree wondering why my success doesn't mimic my status. I'm sort of half-way up the tree looking at all the big boys in the canopy and I'm looking and wondering how to get there. I also realise that even if I do get there I still shouldn't be complacent - players at the top of that tree should be working on genetically engineering wings so they can take to the skies and leave the tree dwellers behind. Ergo, a poker player must always strive to continuously improve. Always, always…always!

So what are my aspirations for the future?

Intensity.

Lack of intensity is what is holding me back in poker now. I need to push up my hours, my commitment and my learning in poker and I don't believe I can do this part-time anymore. I think the day where I call time on my miserable 9-5 existence is coming and the days of playing poker for a living will commence. For the whole of the last year I have been ultra consistent about one thing: I have spent a massive proportion of my woken hours thinking about, playing, reading about or writing about poker and all the while I'm driven by the question, "can I make a good living from this". A year is a long time to be asking yourself the same question without resolution and I can assure you I've been asking this of myself for far longer. My interest at work has dropped to an all time low - in fact, guess where I'm writing this lengthy post from! When I should be researching stuff at work I'm trying to navigate around the work internet police to get into any site with a poker theme where I can read about poker or learn about poker. Consciously or not, I have set my life priorities in this regard!

Shortly after starting my blog last year I finally got out of my job at East Lothian and into another planning job. I was full of hope and enthusiasm that I might flourish as a planner in a new roll and new environment. This did not happen, in fact, within a few months I was as bored and fed up as I was in my old job. Moreover, my eyes were opened to the world of private sector and consultancy planning and none of it appeals. This last year I have failed to answer the great poker question but I have answered another question of mines: "Do I have a future in planning?" The answer, quite simply, is no!

The only thing that holds me back now is fear. Fear that I won't make it; fear that no matter how hard I try and how many hours I commit to play/analysis/learning that I won't be good enough; fear of the unknown; fear of failure in front of my friends and family; fear of letting Laura down; fear of being one of lifes losers - the guy with a degree and a good job that flushed his life down the toilet to play with virtual chips online.

The problem is that it's very difficult to express these fears to others to seek balanced advice or encouragement. If you tell someone that you have a fairly easy and totally secure £28k a year job but want to give it up to click your mouse all day for a living they think you are mad! They may have a point. So it seems this is one of those decisions I'm going to have to make for myself. It's unlikely the fear is going to be removed anytime soon and I don't think anyone is going to give me a push. I liken it to the first time you take on a big jump into water (cliff/diving board) - you stand at the top for minutes pacing back in forth gripped and consumed by fear. You are compelled at an almost genetic level to push yourself to try this but all the fears cripple you. Have you ever noticed how you feel when you jump though? That sense of relief? As you are falling towards the water it almost doesn't matter how you are lining up to hit it. You could be looking at a 9.85 entry or the worlds worst belly-flop but rather than thinking about either of these you just live the moment and feel the relief that no matter what happens you did what you felt compelled to do. Maybe you'll hurt yourself and never do it again but the bottom line is you did it and you have peace and resolution.

I believe one year on from starting my blog I need that peace. I need to cast aside my fear and jump. I don't want to spend the next year worrying about what might happen - I want to spend it dealing with what is happening, whatever that might be. I also think its telling that of all my life regrets nearly all of them are based on something I didn't do/try as opposed to something I did do but didn't like. I think that even if I try and fail as long as I can put my hand on my own heart and convince myself that I gave it my best possible shot then I should have no regrets.

So after all this I'm feeling like quitting! I'll have to talk it through with Laura and plan an appropriate exit strategy but I feel the time is right. I'm miserable doing what I'm doing and feel each of my days is time being lost to depression and suffering. I don't know the meaning of life but I'm pretty sure you are meant to enjoy it. I don't, and for this reason I must make a change…

This post is getting fairly length so I'll probably can it for now. I may do a 'highlights' of the year post at some point or I might be lazy and not bother. One paragraph from my blog that I did particularly enjoy re-reading was this one:

"The wedding on Friday went well - it was Laura's side of the family so it was a case of meet n' greet from me. Just the one uppy with confirmation. White. Nice. Some Toe. Good overall package. I feel I have to claim extra points for it being a dress that sat just below the knee!!"

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